Respecting the Dead: Navigating Funeral Etiquette in 2023

​Close family members will be well looked after by the Funeral Director and will be given lots of tips for the service as part of the organising process, therefore this article will cover some general tips on funeral attendance if you are not part of the immediate family.

​We live in a diverse multicultural society with a huge mix of traditional, cultural, religious, and contemporary ideas on what a modern funeral service should look like. The needs of the family and last wishes of the departed should be sensitively taken into consideration when you decide to go to the funeral. Read the funeral notice carefully and note the important requests the family have documented.

Gifts

​Sending flowers is a great way to show respect. You can send flowers to the family home or to the Funeral Home. Fresh flowers are lovely and can convey many meanings. If you wish to give a lasting tribute of respect, you can opt to send a ceramic single flower or wreath with a personalised message from you and your family. Check that flowers are appropriate as some religions like Orthodox Judaism will find them inappropriate. Preparing and sending a cooked meal in a container that you don’t want returned is another thoughtful way to support people. Occasionally donations to a charity will be requested in lieu of other gifts.

Should I RSVP to the Funeral?

​There is no need to let the family or Funeral Director know that you will be attending unless you have been personally invited to a private service. Do not attend if the funeral notice states the service is private and you have not been invited.

What to wear

​Sometimes you will be asked to wear a specific colour or maybe “something colourful”. I have attended a funeral of a childhood friend who insisted we all wear jeans. Try to comply as it will show great respect. Regardless of specific requests like these you need to dress conservatively. So neat and clean attire that does not make you stand out as this will be distracting for other guests. For example, low cut dresses and mini skirts, super high heels or heaven forbid, no shoes at all are out. Comfortable practical shoes are a must. Black or modest clothing is the go.
​Hot Tip: Take tissues and or a handkerchief in case you need it and a spare for the person beside you. It is amazing how many folk don’t do this and get caught out. Funerals are sad, even if you didn’t know the deceased very well.

At the Funeral

• Arrive 10 or 15 minutes early, you don’t want to interrupt the ceremony with a late entrance.
• Sit a few rows back from the front as immediate family will be seated at the front of the venue.
• Turn that phone off and do not even look at it while you are there.
• Be respectful of any religious practices that are part of the service, you don’t have to comply (for example kneel when others do) however you do need to mindfully be tolerant of other people’s rituals.
• If you bring your small children they will be welcomed. Make sure you take them outside if they become fussy or start crying.

After the Funeral

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• Act as naturally as you can. There are no magic words that will make the grieving feel any better so just be genuine and respectful.
• You may approach the family and offer a hug or handshake and maybe a word, there may be quite a line up.
• Often some form of wake will take place after the service where refreshments will be served. Depending on how the family are feeling these gatherings can last many hours. If you attend, the family are entitled to know who you are and your relationship to the departed.
• Match the tone of the family without judgement. Most of the time a sombre atmosphere prevails although I have attended the funeral of my best friend’s Father who was “an old Bastard” and the tone was almost joyous.

Purple Elegant urn as the centerpiece of a memorial service

​Making the effort to attend a funeral speaks volumes. Most families want to see a packed venue and see it as a sign of support and respect for their family. Everyone knows it is not easy and your attendance is always greatly appreciated. Prepare yourself for what to expect, follow these tips and if in doubt you can always call the Funeral Director to ask for guidance.

​Author
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Rae Delai is an Australian small business owner of White Lily Urns and specializes in custom artisan ceramic funerary art. She has 30 plus years experience as a critical care and palliative care nurse which means she is very comfortable discussing all aspects of death, dying and grief.